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New York Times
Best Seller |
Chapter 1: Respect
the Man You Married by Listening to Him
The Surrendered Wife - A Practical
Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace With a
Man
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© 1999, 2001 Laura Doyle.
Respect the man you married by listening to him without
criticizing him, insulting him, laughing at him or making
fun of him. Even if you disagree with him, do not dismiss
his ideas.
If you have said or done something disrespectful, apologize
for that specific incident. Acknowledge his response
without further comment and be aware of your impulse
to criticize or make a negative comment.
In marriage, as in nature, water seeks its own level:
we marry men who match us. Just as you never see lakes
with an uneven surface, you never see couples who aren't
perfectly balanced.
Really.
That means that respecting your husband is also a form
of self-respect: it's a way of acknowledging that you
made a wise and thoughtful choice to marry a man who
deserves your love and esteem. If you treat him as if
he's beneath you, you're saying that you made a poor
choice and that you settled for someone who doesn't
match you.
For years I secretly believed I had married below myself,
but I was wrong. In reality, this delusion was a convenient
way for me to blame him for everything that went wrong.
Perhaps you do the same thing.
Karen's husband ran a large corporation and earned
a six-figure income. A few days before his birthday,
he put a note on the counter with the one thing he most
wanted his wife to give him: Respect. The same conversation
takes place in a variety of forms in households the
world over, because men desperately crave respect from
their wives. That makes it one of the greatest gifts
we can give our husbands.
If you don't think your husband deserves your respect,
ask yourself what it was you saw in him that made you
marry him in the first place. At that time you trusted
and admired him. Chances are he's not all that different
now than he was then, and therefore is still worthy
of your admiration.
"Men are born to succeed, not to fail."
- Henry David Thoreau
Honor His Choice of Socks and Stocks
So what does it mean to respect your partner? It means
that you accept his choices, big and small, even if
you don't agree with them. You honor his choice of socks
and stocks, food and friendships, art and attitudes.
You listen to him and have regard for his ideas, suggestions,
family and work. That doesn't mean you have to make
the same choices¯just that you accept his.
When you respect your husband, you treat him like an
intelligent adult rather than an irresponsible child.
You use a tone becoming of a calm woman, not a frantic
shrew.
Respecting your husband means that you don't tear him
down. For example, telling him how to load the dishwasher
is insulting. You might as well be saying, "You
mean you can't even do something as easy as that?"
Naturally, comments like that stifle intimacy.
Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway
exit you don't correct him by telling him where to turn.
It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction
you will go past the state line and still not correct
what he's doing. In fact, no matter what your husband
does, you will not try to teach, improve, or correct
him.
That is the essence of a surrendered wife.
Respect Breeds Intimacy
So what does respect have to do with intimacy?
When your husband feels secure in your opinion of him,
he doesn't have to second-guess himself or steel himself
because he's expecting you to pounce on him. When he
knows you are on his side he can relax and be himself;
he can feel good about who he is.
Most importantly, when he knows you won't shoot an
arrow in his Achilles' heel he can let down his guard.
Having that sense of safety will make it possible for
him to share his innermost thoughts with you, and that's
where you'll find intimacy. He may speak about the values
he hopes to impart to the children, what he's imagining
the two of you will do when you're old, or tell you
about how he lost a dog he loved as a kid. He might
talk about what he imagines it would be like to live
on a ranch, go to the moon or add a second story to
the house. Intimacy is made up of lots of little tender
conversations¯sometimes silly, sometimes solemn¯that
he wouldn't have with anyone else in the world. In fact,
the actual details of the conversation are less important
than the fact that the conversation is happening and
connecting you spiritually.
But how exactly do you find your way to those tender
conversations if you haven't had them in a while? How
do you muster the gumption to become respectful when
you're in the habit of mothering your husband? You've
already begun to raise your consciousness by reading
this book, which is a great start. Later on in this
chapter, I'll describe what disrespect looks like and
feels like so you can start to see it in yourself. Just
being able to identify disrespect helped me stay focused
on the goal of respecting my husband, which went a long
way towards helping me find the intimate relationship
I always wanted.
Preserving Your Diginity
Disrespecting your husband's choices on a regular basis
is like pricking him repeatedly with little pins. Imagine
living with a porcupine and you've got the idea of what
it's like for him.
It's no fun to be the porcupine either. You find that
your lover doesn't want to get close to you because
you're so prickly. Shedding those prickers by treating
your life partner with respect is a gift for him, but
it also dramatically improves your self-respect. Instead
of having the unpleasant feeling of always nagging or
arguing, you hear yourself sounding more virtuous and
mature. You won't be haunted by the horror of wondering
if you've become your mother on her worst day. Since
you didn't much respect her when she ordered everyone
around, you don't much respect yourself when you hear
it coming out of your own mouth either.
I remember how unattractive and shameful I felt when
I was shrieking and complaining. In the middle of my
tirade, I thought I was saying what had to be said,
but my self-respect deteriorated with each harsh word
that came out of my mouth. I inevitably beat myself
up afterwards for exploding. No matter how justified
I felt in yelling or correcting, I still felt bad about
myself for doing it.
Now, I treat my husband respectfully not only to cultivate
closeness in our marriage, but also to preserve my dignity.
I don't miss the hostility hangovers.
The "I was Just Trying to Help" Syndrome
A lot of us have an unconscious refrain jingling in
their heads that goes like this: "I know better
than he doesŠI will help him do it right. "
With this background music, we quickly develop an air
of superiority. We feel qualified to instruct our husbands
on how to vacuum the carpet, talk to the children, and
negotiate with his colleagues. All the while we tell
ourselves that we are simply helping.
Unfortunately, "helping" in wife language
translates into "controlling" in husband language.
All those comments about how everything should be done
are actually daggers of disrespect. Our generous "help"
goes completely unappreciated, which makes us resentful.
Somehow, we get so used to correcting our husbands that
we don't even hear the harshness in our own comments,
or notice how much we sound like a nag rather than the
affectionate lover we set out to be.
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb
women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with
a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
The Mother Complex
If you feel as if you are the only adult in the family,
think about this: your husband manages to communicate,
problem-solve, and produce in his job. Clearly he has
the skills to do the same at home. So why doesn't he?
Whenever we feel as if we have an extra child instead
of a husband, it's because we're treating our husbands
like little boys instead of capable men.
When I correct, criticize, or tell my husband what
to do I automatically become his mother in that moment,
which means he doesn't see me as his lover. I may get
the satisfaction of being right, or having things done
my way, but there's no greater turn-off for me than
seeing him as a helpless little boy and there's no bigger
intimacy killer for him than feeling like he's with
his mother. Your husband may not say so, but he feels
the same way.
Your husband won't tell you he feels emasculated when
you correct his behavior. He won't say that when you
use that tone it gives him the same aggravated feeling
he used to get when he was a teenager fantasizing about
going someplace where no one would bother him. He certainly
won't tell you when he finds you as sexually unappealing
as he finds his mother. Instead, the cold war begins.
When you let him know you don't think he'll make good
decisions, he reverts to his boyhood ways and makes
a mental note to give up to some degree, because he
can never meet your standards. He may even agree with
you subconsciously, and retreat from the activity entirely.
Who can blame him?
When men feel disrespected, they withdraw. Before I
surrendered, my husband watched a lot of TV. Yours may
find playing golf, working longer hours or fixing up
old cars in the garage more appealing than being with
you. Sure, there's some satisfaction in letting your
husband know what you really think, but the price of
that satisfaction is high: You have just isolated yourself
from him and created your own bubble of loneliness.
Treating your husband with respect makes him want to
be around you more, talk to you more, share more deeply
and make love to you more passionately. It can't hurt
to remind him (and yourself) that you recognize you've
married a clever, capable man.
"The only thing worse than a husband who
never notices what you cook or what you wear, is a
husband who always notices what you cook and what
you wear."
- Sandra Litoff
The Cure for the Common Cold War
If you're like me, you've often wished you could be
more respectful of your husband - if only he seemed
up to the responsibility. The problem is you'll never
know if he is until you give him the chance.
Perhaps you forget to trust and respect your partner
because you are so accustomed to calling the shots at
work that it's second nature to keep doing it when you
get home. Maybe it shook your faith when he rear-ended
a car on the freeway, and you have felt the need to
caution him about driving ever since. You might have
been disappointed to learn that he keeps a balance on
the credit cards and pays interest that you feel is
unnecessary. Whatever your reasons for not accepting
the way your husband does things¯and some of them
are probably valid¯you will still pay the high
price of lost intimacy for insulting him. What's more
important to you: having your watchful eye on everything
or enjoying the warmth of intimacy? Recognize that those
are your choices.
Once you've made the choice to respect him, you've
made a powerful turn on the road to transforming your
marriage and given yourself new rules for the road ahead.
This is comparable to learning to drive a car. You make
the decision to follow the rules of the road by stopping
at a red light or putting your signal on to turn, because
that is what you must do to get along with the other
traffic on the road. If you stop at red lights only
when you feel like it, ultimately you will crash. The
same is true for getting along in your marriage: you're
going to have to yield even when you don't feel like
it to avoid a conflict.
One way to bite your tongue when you feel he's being
immature or stubborn is to remind yourself that you
are taking the high road. Sure, it would be easy to
jab him, but instead find the grace to be generous.
You can do it. Recall an occasion when your husband
was thoughtful, courageous or self-sacrificing. Keep
that picture in your mind so you resist the temptation
to criticize him.
Since I don't have control over his path¯only
mine, if I don't take the high road we are both at our
worst, and intimacy is nowhere to be found. If I take
the high road, I am at my best. My chances for intimacy
are at their greatest.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion."
- Winston Churchill
You Won't Get Indigestion if You Eat Your Words
Just as you may run a red light occasionally, you will
also treat your husband less-than-respectfully at times,
because no one is perfect. It is important, however,
to apologize when you realize you haven't been so courteous.
Therefore, a critical aspect of respecting your husband
is catching yourself when you slip and letting him know
that you regret it.
In the beginning, you'll probably find yourself having
to apologize a lot: every time you roll your eyes at
his idea, make an unsolicited suggestion about what
he's wearing, or tell him what to say on the phone.
Apologizing may be frustrating, but it's essential because
it signals to your husband that you respect him. Even
if you don't feel sorry, do your best to apologize when
you're critical, bossy, nagging or dismissing. This
will feel odd¯perhaps even dishonest at first.
Still, I suggest that you take this leap and act as
if you do respect your husband. This is a powerful practice,
because it changes your focus from what you don't hold
in high regard to the things that you do admire. The
next thing you know, you will start to feel genuine
respect for him.
When you apologize, be sure to reference the specific
situation. For instance, you might say, "I apologize
for being disrespectful when I criticized the way you
were helping Taylor with her homework." Next, allow
him to respond. The temptation to comment on the original
situation in response to what he says will be enormous.
Don't do it.
You might be tempted to follow up the apology by saying,
"It's just that you need to be a little more patient
with 6-year-olds." If you say that, then guess
what? You were just disrespectful again. Now you owe
him another apology, so you're no better off than when
you first started the conversation. It's important that
you listen to his response after you apologize and acknowledge
that you really heard him. Sometimes I repeat what I
heard him say. You might wrap up by saying, "Yeah,
I'm really sorry about that," but don't offer anything
more about this topic.
In some cases, not responding may require putting large
quantities of duct tape over your mouth. Do whatever
it takes.
Emily struggled when I first suggested that she apologize
for being disrespectful to her husband, Tim, after she
had criticized his efforts to install a new light fixture
in the kitchen. She explained, "He was being so
illogical, standing on a chair that was about to topple
over, and balancing himself with one foot on the new
kitchen table that we had just stained with a beautiful
new finish. All he needed to do was walk into the garage
and get the stepladder. So, why do I have to use the
word disrespectful when he was being lazy and careless
of our new table"
Emily had a point.
But criticizing Tim and using a condescending tone
only made their Saturday tense. He resisted getting
the stepladder because he didn't want to be controlled.
He certainly didn't feel affectionate towards her. Needless
to say, he wasn't in the mood for laughter or a long
conversation, or quiet snuggling on the couch - the
small things that foster big feelings of closeness.
I encouraged Emily to make an apology for her disrespect
just this once. According to her, she mumbled the dreaded
word when she delivered her line, "I apologize
for being disrespectful when I criticized the way you
put in the light fixture." Emily's tone didn't
matter. Her husband had a tender smile for her when
he said, "I love seeing this side of you."
Cathy's husband hung the welcome mat up to dry by putting
nails in it. "Now there are holes in my welcome
mat," she complained. "Are you saying I shouldn't
even tell him my opinion about that?" Since there's
no respectful way to tell your husband that he did something
you consider stupid, a surrendered wife would simply
not say anything. Instead, she would keep in mind, as
Cathy did, that this is a man who works hard to support
the family, who will bring her a glass of water in bed,
plays with the baby so she can take long bubble baths,
and makes her laugh. In the great scheme of things,
a couple of holes in the welcome mat are not a big deal.
Collette was in a similar situation when her husband
accidentally threw out one of her toddler's favorite
toys. "I'm the one who has to pay for this with
my son," she told me. " My husband will be
at work when the temper tantrum starts this afternoon.
I'm so angry, I could just spit!"
This husband she was thinking of spitting on also had
some redeeming qualities. He had agreed to raise their
son in her faith and not his, made a concerted effort
to get along well with her family and worked so that
she could stay home with their child. After some contemplation,
Collette realized it was not in her best interest to
bring up the toy and instead vented to friends about
his transgression. As a result, she avoided a night
of bickering followed by silence. You know what else
she avoided? A baby crying in reaction to hearing her
parents fight - and a night of sleeping stiffly on her
side of the bed. So, refraining from making a critical
comment wasn't such a big sacrifice after all.
Learning to treat my husband with respect seemed impossible
to me at first because I was so convinced that I was
superior to him, but the rewards were well worth it
and quickly reinforced my new behavior. Just changing
this one habit gave me a newfound dignity and self-respect,
not to mention harmony, better intimacy and a husband
who adores me. The women I know who have decided to
make this change, however imperfectly, find the same
is true for them. If we can do it, so can you.
Your husband will adore you for it.
"When a man does not feel loved just the
way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously
repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He
feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until
he feels loved and accepted."
- John Gray
Still Need More? You can Buy
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